Reflections in the mirror.

This is the hard one to write.  It's the tell all.  Wish I could say what I'm about to write is nice things, but since it's the truth, well I'm just say that I'm glad I no longer see me the way I use to.

The one thing I really like about me is my blue eyes.  I'm told I got them from my grandfather, along with his temper.  Well the pretty blue eyes aren't so pretty when there's a long stream of black eyeliner running down my face, my eyes are swollen from crying, and my nose is red.  Yep almost as red as that famous reindeer we've heard about.  You betcha I'm trying to be funny no joke this is hard.

I remember looking at the mirror and would take my lipstick and write all over my reflection.  Things like I hate you, go away just to name a couple.  I'd look so deep into my eyes searching for some form of happiness, a life I'd dream of.  I really didn't like me, but you'd never know that from the way I acted in public. 

I had a good life in Baton Rouge.  I just wasn't happy.  Every time I'd get depressed I'd redo my make up, and put on a show.  The perfect couple.  No one but my best friend knew I wasn't happy.  I think I still put on some sort of act for her too.  I had a nice house, went on all kinds of trips, bought what I wanted when I wanted, had everything I wanted.  Still the world saw me talking about the latest trip, or the upcoming trip.  Always something.

What they never saw was the me that found a safe place in my closet where I'd cry and wonder why.  Why did I have to buy the happiness for a few moments.  I thought if I move back to Mississippi, be closer to my family, then I'll be happy. 

Guess what?  We have mirrors in Mississippi too and the reflection was the same.  Guess this is about the time I had that anxiety attack.  Decided it was time to admit I wasn't in love with my husband, my heart longed for something I lost many years ago.  It was time to deal with my past.  Then and only then could I be happy.

When everyone found out I wanted a divorce you'd think I'd done the most horrible of horrible things.  I was giving up my security to follow my heart.  There was something I had to face.  I had to face the monster I saw in the mirror.  It didn't happen over night, it didn't happen in a few months.  It's taken a few years and it's still in progress.

I had to face the hard facts.

Dawn is/thinks

• a snob
• she's better than everyone else
• judges others
• moody
• a guilt player
• someone who likes the attention of being depressed
• likes to have things her way
• likes to be in control
• will fight just to fight
• likes to play mind games
• selfish

Ok I'll stop there.  It's no fun.  I can say that over this past year I've really worked on my list.  Wasn't fun either.  It took so much to admit these things much less to act on chainging them.  It's taken the support of Patt and his honesty to love me enough to say get over yourself.  Stop it.  Give people a chance.  Try new things.  If you don't like who you are then you are the only one that can change that. 

I don't think I'm the same person anymore.  I've learned that by being that person I've missed out on some really good friendships and experiences.  Like I said it's a work in progress with my list, and most days when I look in the mirror I see someone I love, someone Patt loves, and most important, someone God loves.  Mistakes, wrong paths, running away, God still loves Dawn.  I'm seeing my blue eyes now instead of the black eyeliner running down my face. 

Next time when and why I decided meds was not what I wanted…..