Whispers Of The Morning

a soft whisper spoken from my heart

At least it’s Friday

Posted by Dawn on July 14, 2006

I still don’t know how I’m really feeling.  There’s so much going on everywhere I turn and I’m just tired of pretending!!!  For now I’m all smiles on the outside but in truth the inside is really hurting.  I can’t be me, I’m not suppose to have a voice and it really doesn’t matter what my heart feels.  Let’s make sure we don’t hurt any friends feelings, who cares that crap I don’t like is being said and going on in my home, I’m just suppose to go with the flow regardless how I believe and deal with it. 

 I will say one thing that is bothering me real bad, is one of Patt’s friends girlfriend is going to have a baby.  She just turned 17 and has no clue how to take care of herself much less a baby.  She comes to our house all messed up on who knows what, smoking and I’m suppose to be ok with this.  They talk about using the system which I am not ok with.  Get a job, get some insurance at least try to do something instead of spending your time thinking of ways to use the system.  I know at times everyone needs help, but at least try and not make comments on how it’s the state of MS place to help you.  This girl has to be told when to take a bath, shave her legs, she has no clue how to cook, nothing and yet she and her boyfriend who has no clue either on life are going to be responsible for a child????

Why does this hurt so bad?  Because I want a family so bad.  It breaks my heart.  For real guys.  I’d do anything if Patt was ready to start a family, but he’s too busy having fun with his kid friends that by the time he’s through playing it will be too late for us.  So now I have to be in my home and witness crap that makes my heart hurt so bad it’s thrown me into depression and Patt does not want me to say anything b/c it will hurt their feelings?  What about mine.  I’m his wife what about my feelings?  We are talking about maybe at the end of the year trying to have a family.  Wednesday I went for my yearly check up.  I talked in detail with my doctor.  What I need to be doing now, where should my weight be, vitiams, eating, lifestyle, everything I could think of.  Just to do everything I can to help with our child being healthly.  Then to witness this stuff and listen to the comments and I’m just suppose to deal with it.  In my home???  This is causing major problems for us.  It scares me….  

Then on top of that, family things, work issues, I just wish my mind and heart didn’t have to hurt in this.  Sometimes I wish I didn’t care so much, then maybe I wouldn’t hurt… 


9 Responses to “At least it’s Friday”

  1. Heather said

    Praying for you, girl! My sister went through a similar thing. She lost her first baby, and couldn’t get pregnant for several years after that. During that time a young girl in our church got pregnant. Crystal asked why a lot, but now she understands God’s timing. I pray that God will give you His peace about this, and that He would open Patt up to talking about your feelings on this!

  2. Larry said

    I will be praying for you Dawn. That has to be so incredibly difficult. Just remember that you have a right to your feelings. God will help you to sort them out. And I pray that Patt will open up to your feelings and be sensitive to them. I’ll be praying.

  3. gail said

    Hard stuff to go through, I’m so sorry.

  4. That’s definitely a tough situation. They will wake up fast after the baby is born. I was 28 when I had my first baby and 34 when I had my second. If Patt’s not ready, you sure don’t want to rush it. I know it’s hard. I will be praying for you both.

  5. Stacy said

    I’m sorry too that you are having to deal with this junk. I hope it all works out soon, and things get better.

    I can semi-relate to your thoughts on the family and 17 year old pregnant issue. That’s so young to have a baby, even these days, and it’s so hard to see people like that pregnant, who really have no business being, when you want a child yourself. For me, we were unable to have kids and it breaks my heart to see people having babies when they don’t really want them. Give them to me, I just want to scream. And as far as your hubby not understanding, maybe he’s a little like mine. My husband is very understanding of other people’s feelings and sometimes he seems to just ignore mine. It took me a long time to realize that he equates me with him, he sees us as one, and he puts himself last. Unfortunately, that puts me there right along with him, and he puts everyone else’s feelings first. It hurts like the dickens. I understand, in my head, what he is doing, but making my heart understand is a lot tougher.

    OK, off my soapbox, sorry 🙂 I hope it gets better soon. Take care!

  6. This stinks.. I know it is a touchy situation.. I am sorry you are going through it. Just give it to God girlie.. That is THE best thing to do. I will keep you in my prayers. I hope God gives you peace and comfort about it all soon.

    I do think you can tell people truth in love in a respectful way.. You should not be made to shut up in your own home… just my opinion.

  7. Marcy said

    I’m sorry…

    I do think it would be appropriate to speak up about things like the smoking and stuff — it’s not good for her baby, and they need to start thinking now about taking care of the baby’s needs… I think it’s possible to speak to them about such things in a way that is supportive and positive and not condemning. There are likely resources at the hospital or state programs to help her quit, etc…

    Patt also needs to know how you feel. Submission is one thing, but it doesn’t mean becoming a non-person — it should include giving him the information he needs to love and lead well, and that means information about what you’re thinking and feeling about things.

    “I can’t be me” is a terrible lesson to learn and very hard to unlearn — and the thing is if you can’t be you, you can’t be a person at all. Dying to self does not mean no longer being a person — I think it means being able to set aside things, make sacrifices, put others first, but not squelching your actual self.

  8. beth said

    Dawn, wow. That sinks… definitely praying for you and Patt. And I do think that mentioning good pregnancy habits (and some medical risks associated with smoking etc. during pregnancy) is in order – if you’re supposed to be her friend, well, friends say stuff about that. The rest you probably have to let slide (the you know nothing about having a kid parts). You might also see about hooking her up with a local crisis pregnancy center – I know the ones up here offer parenting classes/information that as you learn stuff about taking care of a child you earn points toward things like cribs etc. Reduces the load on the state somewhat and also encourages her to grow up and be ready for the baby a little as incentive for stuff. http://www.care-net.org can help you find one nearby if you don’t know where it is. Never hurts to see what they offer as far as education and try to help hook her up with knowledge. I’ve found when my heart is hurting about people who I surely don’t think should be parents (esp. before me) that finding something positive to do for them to help them become good parents is healing for me, too.

    Lots of hugs and prayers!

  9. Paula said

    (((hugs))) Girlfriend, respect your husband, but do what you have to do wthen it comes to having a family. My first husband wasn’t ready when I had my first child 15 years ago, but I was 28 and we had been married for 5 years so I put my foot down. I will pray for the mom-child, that she will do what’s right for her baby. I think Patt will do what is right because I truly believes he loves you best. Hope the weekend is going okay despite this mess.

    Love ya lots,

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