Whispers Of The Morning

a soft whisper spoken from my heart

Archive for the ‘Depression & Anxiety’ Category

A whole lot of talking

Posted by Dawn on July 17, 2006

The weekend was pretty much a whole lot of talking and I hope a deal we can both deal with it. 

 We finally had the heart to heart about his friends girlfriend that’s going to have a baby and why I am so upset about them being at our house.  Even though I do believe he understands how much I hurt I think when they come by he will keep them away from me as much as possible.  I don’t care for them to begin with and I don’t agree with their lifestyle and I won’t pretend I do.  I have in the past tried to talk to them, they have asked our advice and do the opposite and it is their life, but I do have the choice of being a part of it which I don’t want any of it.  I will not be ugly to them, I will just keep busy in the house when they stop by.

Another biggie this weekend, Saturday night Patt got yet another ticket.  I’m tired of his hobby costing us money and I made him feel really bad which is not what I wanted.  I just wanted him to understand how I felt giving things up, not doing things with my friends trying to save to start a family, pay off some bills, yet it seems like everytime he goes out with his friends, it’s costing us big time.  So I’m getting my life with my friends back.  I will start going out to eat like I use to, I’ll start going back out again once a month when we have our monthly meetings where everyone from all the districts are in town and I’m not asking permission.  If we can find the money for tickets we can find the money for me too.  I will ride with him on Tuesday nights, Friday night goes back to being our date night and no motorcyle dealings and he can ride all he wants on Sat and Sunday unless there’s a family deal we need to go to.  I won’t get upset with him coming in at 2 a.m. anymore, I just want my Friday night back just the two of us.  Time will tell…..

I stil feel a gap between us.  I don’t know if it’s me or it it’s really there.  I’m still mad at him.  I am not asking him not to do things with his friends, I’m just asking for him to see what I’ve done for us, and I just want him to understand that going out and riding motorcyles until 2-3 in the morning is getting him in trouble.  This is the time frame he gets tickets, they are out and looking for them.  So who knows.  I’m trying to feel better:)

Posted in Depression & Anxiety, Whispers from me... | 7 Comments »

Reflections in the mirror.

Posted by Dawn on June 21, 2006

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This is the hard one to write.  It's the tell all.  Wish I could say what I'm about to write is nice things, but since it's the truth, well I'm just say that I'm glad I no longer see me the way I use to.

The one thing I really like about me is my blue eyes.  I'm told I got them from my grandfather, along with his temper.  Well the pretty blue eyes aren't so pretty when there's a long stream of black eyeliner running down my face, my eyes are swollen from crying, and my nose is red.  Yep almost as red as that famous reindeer we've heard about.  You betcha I'm trying to be funny no joke this is hard.

I remember looking at the mirror and would take my lipstick and write all over my reflection.  Things like I hate you, go away just to name a couple.  I'd look so deep into my eyes searching for some form of happiness, a life I'd dream of.  I really didn't like me, but you'd never know that from the way I acted in public. 

I had a good life in Baton Rouge.  I just wasn't happy.  Every time I'd get depressed I'd redo my make up, and put on a show.  The perfect couple.  No one but my best friend knew I wasn't happy.  I think I still put on some sort of act for her too.  I had a nice house, went on all kinds of trips, bought what I wanted when I wanted, had everything I wanted.  Still the world saw me talking about the latest trip, or the upcoming trip.  Always something.

What they never saw was the me that found a safe place in my closet where I'd cry and wonder why.  Why did I have to buy the happiness for a few moments.  I thought if I move back to Mississippi, be closer to my family, then I'll be happy. 

Guess what?  We have mirrors in Mississippi too and the reflection was the same.  Guess this is about the time I had that anxiety attack.  Decided it was time to admit I wasn't in love with my husband, my heart longed for something I lost many years ago.  It was time to deal with my past.  Then and only then could I be happy.

When everyone found out I wanted a divorce you'd think I'd done the most horrible of horrible things.  I was giving up my security to follow my heart.  There was something I had to face.  I had to face the monster I saw in the mirror.  It didn't happen over night, it didn't happen in a few months.  It's taken a few years and it's still in progress.

I had to face the hard facts.

Dawn is/thinks

  • a snob
  • she's better than everyone else
  • judges others
  • moody
  • a guilt player
  • someone who likes the attention of being depressed
  • likes to have things her way
  • likes to be in control
  • will fight just to fight
  • likes to play mind games
  • selfish

Ok I'll stop there.  It's no fun.  I can say that over this past year I've really worked on my list.  Wasn't fun either.  It took so much to admit these things much less to act on chainging them.  It's taken the support of Patt and his honesty to love me enough to say get over yourself.  Stop it.  Give people a chance.  Try new things.  If you don't like who you are then you are the only one that can change that. 

I don't think I'm the same person anymore.  I've learned that by being that person I've missed out on some really good friendships and experiences.  Like I said it's a work in progress with my list, and most days when I look in the mirror I see someone I love, someone Patt loves, and most important, someone God loves.  Mistakes, wrong paths, running away, God still loves Dawn.  I'm seeing my blue eyes now instead of the black eyeliner running down my face. 

Next time when and why I decided meds was not what I wanted…..

Posted in Depression & Anxiety, Uncategorized | 3 Comments »

When I realized I was depressed

Posted by Dawn on June 20, 2006

My best friends husband is stuggling bad with depression and she's worried about him.  He won't talk to anyone and she's at the end of her ropes she can't handle it anymore.  She's begged him to talk to me and he don't wan't to talk.  He doesn't know why he's depressed.  So we talked this morning and I asked her, if I did a few post on my depression and how I fought it, would he read it.  So I'm going to start another blog, just for him, so that this one is still private, but I think I'm going to post them on both.  So here goes. when I realized I was depressed…..

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in Depression & Anxiety, Whispers from me... | 4 Comments »